Firmly planted on her behind, a girl was looking at a dark looming forest, her mouth open. A spittle of drool formed a drip that slowly reached her chin. Her eyes flashed toward every side as if she was following things—things only she saw. The forest was quiet, where one would suspect birds chirping and leaves rustling; only the ominous sound of wind through branches was heard. Next to her lay a towel. Fresh unused. Deliberately draped there to convey an idea.

  “Miss?” A tap on her shoulder. “Sorry, miss?” A slightly harder tap. This one in her face, a drip of blood mixed in with the drool. The girl looked up and stared into a gold-painted face with strange yellow eyes. The man was trying to smile; only his mouth cooperated. His eyes and the rest of his face remained in a neutral expression.

  “What the fuck are you?” The girl's head lolled on her shoulders. She tried to stand up.

  “I am Data.” The man grabbed her hand. “I am a positronic android.” With one hand Data lifted the girl onto her feet. He kept holding her by the shoulders as if she were a ragdoll.

  “Well, I am Alice,” the girl told him. “You can let go of me now.”

  Data did. Alice fell down on the road.

  “God,” Alice moaned. “I did too many shrooms.”

  “Sautéed?” Data’s eyes went from left to right quickly. “Sautéed with some onions, you should be able to eat almost a kg.” He looked at Alice down on the road. “You ate more than a kg?”

  Data nodded. “I can pump your stomach.”

  “No, other type of shrooms.” She got up again; her feet weren't sure if they agreed, but they would tolerate it for now.

  “Where are we?” Alice looked around more carefully.

  “On a yellow brick road in front of a forest,” Data said. “If we cross-reference this with Earth lore, we are either in the Land of Oz, or an unknown dimension that happens to have the same yellow brick road.” He pointed at Alice. “That your name is Alice not Dorothy strengthens the hypothesis th…”

  “Oh, shut it.” Alice said. Immediately Data stopped talking. Now he was just looking at her.

  “I think I remember that story. So you're the tin man. What is it we are supposed to do?”

  “We should seek out the wizard.”

  “Wicked.” Alice started to look at their two possible directions.

  “Close, but not quite. Wicked was based heavily on…” Data started.

  “No, shut up!” Alice rubbed her temples. “My head hurts.”

  “Too much salt on the shrooms?” Data handed her a bottle. “Water should hydrate you.”

  Alice took the water and drank a sip. “Why do you have water if you are an android?”

  “I do not know, taking into account that we are in a fictional land.” Data raised his shoulders.

  Alice nodded. “Great. So which side?”

  ***

  A white rabbit, fully dressed in a navy blue three-piece suit, crossed the yellow brick road. “Time is running out, your time is running out,” he yelled to the two while pointing at a pocket watch.

  “What the fuck?” Alice sat back down on the road. She made an attempt to lie down and just sleep the whole thing off.

  “Interesting.” Data bent over her and pointed at the running rabbit. “With the new information available, you can also be the Alice from the Wonderland novels.”

  Alice closed her eyes. She waited a few seconds to see if sleep would come and take her away to more sensible places. When she opened them again, Data was still there.

  “Dammit.” Alice stood up. “Well, I never take those shrooms again.” She walked into the forest. “WAAAA!!” she screamed. “If any of you flying monkeys want a piece of me, I would think twice!” Alice kicked a tree a couple of times. The low boom spread through the forest.

  “That is an odd strategic tactic.” Data also kicked a tree. The tree collapsed with a loud snap.

  “Jeez, wrong day of the month, is it?” A voice came from further in the forest.

  “Come closer and find out.” Alice yelled back. She picked up a large stick and was hitting a tree with it.

  Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

  “We are skipping this one, fellas.” A loud voice boomed back through the woods. Another joined in. “She clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

  “She is going to nag all day.”

  Another dozen or so voices agreed.

  Alice looked at Data.

  A silence followed.

  Twelve or so monkeys with wings flew from the forest, screaming profanities to the two.

  “I said an odd tactic, not nece….”

  “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Alice slammed her feet on the yellow bricks.

  “If you are menstruating, I can suggest a warm…” Data stopped as he saw Alice. Her face changed from windy to thunderstorm.

  ***

  They exited the forest a few minutes later. Alice in front, Data a safe distance behind her.

  “Psst.” A voice that appeared to originate from the side of the road.

  “WHAT!” Alice took three big steps toward the voice.

  “Fascinating, it seems to be invisible, so probably the Cheshire Cat from Wonderland. We are in the middle of a mashup.”

  Alice did not listen. The stick she still had in hand she swung toward where the sound came from.

  Whack.

  A flicker. The air broke where the stick hit something.

  Another flicker.

  A man in a long leather coat was standing in front of Alice. Under the coat, glimpses of armor flashed: dull metallic plates strapped across a powerful chest, cables and strange devices mounted along the ribs. Dreadlocks thick as tendrils were draped from the top of his head onto his shoulders. His face was a marbled nightmare of mandibles and ridged flesh. Proud eyes were gazing at Alice.

  “Huh.” Data came closer. “Peculiar.”

  “You wanna buy some pills?” The creature opened his left hand.

  A blue pill and a red pill were lying side by side, glistening in the sunlight.

  “Fine.” Alice took both pills and ate them instantly.

  “That’s not how it's supposed to go.” The trench-coated nightmare took a finger and scratched his head.

  “What?” Alice looked back at Data.

  “I detect no physiological changes.”

  “You’re supposed to pick one.” The trenchcoat alien looked at his empty hand. A sad undertone carried his words.

  “You offered me free pills.” Alice raised her arms. “What did you expect?” She shook her head while slapping her hands on her hips.

  “I’m sorry, I’m new at this,” the alien replied. “Should I do one pill in each hand?”

  “Well, don’t ask if she wants to buy some pills. Plural implies…” Data kindly started explaining.

  “Shut up!” Alice bit.

  The alien looked at her with big eyes. “Wrong time of the…”

  “That inquiry does not have the desired effect.” Data pushed his words through.

  The alien raised both his hands, took a step back, and apparently redid his camouflage.

  “Great, so I took some mystery drugs. Now what?” Alice looked at Data.

  Data raised a finger and looked up.

  ***

  Alice looked up.

  Nothing was heard or seen.

  Then, slightly,

  a buzzing sound,

  increasing in volume.

  “AAAAAAA AAAAAHHHH!”

  A large, round man in a pink tutu with a matching ballerina outfit crashed in front of them.

  Two fairy wings, hugely out of proportion for the weight of the man they were supposed to carry, stuck out of the back of the pink ballerina outfit.

  “For fuck’s sake, when will this trip end?” Alice sat down on the yellow brick road.

  “So why did you take the extra pills if you…” Data decided to stop talking. Her face was enough.

  Slowly the man stood up.

  “Astonishing. He should be dead, falling from that height.” Data closed in and helped the man up.

  “Thank you, good sir… wait, are you Mr. Gold?” The man's eyes went big.

  “Mr. Gold?” Data froze for a second. “Ah, from Once Upon a Time? Well, no. I am Data from Star Trek.” He looked at Alice, who sat with her hands covering her eyes. “The Next Generation,” he added. “That is Alice, assumingly from Wonderland. Somewhere around here is Predator selling pills from the Matrix.”

  The man nodded. “I’m Gavin, the tooth fairy.” He looked at the Predator, who took down his camouflage and extended his hand. “Don’t know from which universe, to be frank.”

  In the air next to the road, the air started to curl and whizz. With golden sparks, a perfectly round arc came to be. A man in a cape stepped through.

  “No, no, no.” Alice was cradling her legs under her chin and slowly rocked back and forth.

  “Dr. Strange,” the Predator greeted the man.

  “What is going on here?” Dr. Strange looked at the group of random people.

  “Well, I guess she is having a bad trip.” Gavin pointed at Alice.

  “Ah, don’t worry,” Dr Strange told Data, “I know exactly what to do.”

  “Really?” Alice looked at him.

  He winked.

  ***

  Dr Strange looked through the screen straight at me.

  “Could you just give her a happy ending?” he said.

  “Wait what?” I typed the words while wondering what was happening.

  “Clever” Data joined in. “You basically function here as the wizard in wizards of Oz.” He pointed to Alice. “So you can easily make her go home.”

  “Couldn’t you just use the towel?” The predator pointed at the start of the story. “You know, to hitch a ride.”

  “To where, another bad trip?” Alice answered.

  “Ah a bad trip as in consumed illegal substances.” Data finally got it.

  “Where do I come from?” Gavin looked at his tutu and pink outfit. “This is the second time you used me.”

  “In exactly the same way.” The Predator completed him.

  “Is there some latent attraction to fat guys wearing tutu’s?” I hear my mothers voice asking.

  “Ehh.” I looked at my shroom soup. “I never do shrooms again.”

  RJJ Moll