Before long, Shinji was back in front of the door to his apartment. Awkwardly standing, not wanting to go inside, and not wanting to leave. Finally, he stepped inside.

  "I'm home."

  No answer. Obviously. Misato would still be asleep, and the other resident wasn’t exactly in a homely kind of mood.

  He took three more steps and the door to Asuka's room flew open once more. It was clear that Asuka intended to insult him, but upon seeing the fresh tears unwiped from his face, she froze.

  "S- stupid. Why did you come here just to cry, idiot? Gonna go curl back up with mommy Misato? Like a little baby?"

  The anger from everything else that morning had yet to subside, and her barbs were more painful than they should have been. He walked toward her until their faces were only a foot apart.

  "What the hell do you think you're doing, moron? You think you can scare me?"

  Shinji fought the urge to shove another girl within the span of an hour.

  "You really think you can save the world with how pathetic you are? You can't do anything without some little girls to do all the work for you."

  Shinji no longer fought the urge, and before he knew it, her shoulders were pressed up against the far wall of her room. But she wouldn't stop.

  "How did it come to be that the fate of mankind relies on such a weak… little… loser… stupid!.. SHINJI!?"

  His left hand was now around her neck. He didn't squeeze at all, but he wanted her to be terrified of him. He wanted to have power over her. He wanted…

  To dominate her.

  She didn't move, she never struggled, she stopped insulting him. They both stood there unmoving for what was probably a few seconds, but felt like hours, until he resumed his assault by giving in to his instincts. To his surprise, the next stage of the assault was to move his right hand to her left cheek.

  Sweat dripping, he no longer had any idea what he wanted. The look in her eyes changed drastically, but it wasn't until ter that he realize what emotion they conveyed:

  Impatience.

  He lunged forward and took her lips with his own.

  She never once fought the action. She immediately closed her eyes as if in relief.

  Shinji had never been the one to initiate a kiss with anyone else. Let alone with such passion. Before, when Asuka had kissed him, it was without lust. Just some stupid test of his complete absence of self-respect. Why had he instinctively taken Asuka? Why her? Shouldn't he hate her? Why not Rei? Rei was wonderful, and beautiful, and-

  And…

  *the first is an artificial being made from my body*

  And a clone. Made from… Lilith? I suppose?

  But Asuka, she was flesh and blood before him. And her flesh was hot to the touch. It gave freely when he pressed against her and she didn't struggle. He paused, releasing her lips in uncertainty, but once more, as she opened her eyes they stared unchanging.

  Was this… okay? Am I…

  Am I awful for doing this? Does she want this? She hasn't stopped me. She's hurt me for things that weren't my fault, and yet she won't even discourage me here.

  Without moving either of his hands from her neck and cheek, he pulled her softly away from the wall, turned, and threw her onto the floor mat. Both of their breathing heavy and uneven, she still remained silent as he stood over her.

  Slowly,

  Ever so slowly, she drifted her knees apart, giving him an invited view of her panties. Only then, he noticed she wasn’t wearing her denim shorts. Her panties were slightly…

  He took this as a hint to go further and crawled onto the mat with her, hands spread on either side of her head, his knees acting as doorstops to keep her legs open. He lifted his right hand and brought it over her chest.

  "Is… is this o-"

  He couldn't continue.

  For the first time, her expression changed. Her eyes softened, her lips curved into a slight smirk, and a small blush bloomed in her cheeks.

  "Dummy. Come here."

  She put her right hand around the back of his neck and pulled him into another kiss. With her left hand she grabbed his hovering right hand and pressed it into her breast, inviting him to massage them.

  His kissing skills left something to be desired, but how could she compin when it made her so wet?

  Some time prior…

  Goddamn that slut. And that little baby bitch. Why is she cuddling him in her room? He's not some infant. Let me-

  …

  Let… him… sleep in his own damn room.

  Fuck. I really did miss him that much, didn't I? The first time I see him alive all this time… and he's snuggled up to that whore? I… I wanted to hold him too. Does he think he's so much better than me?

  That.

  Little.

  Fucking…

  "…ngh…

  G- ah ahhh"

  She plunged her fingers into herself faster and faster as she imagined what she wanted to do with Shinji in his room. Failing to suppress her moans on the verge of climax, her spine arched backward far enough for her to groan into the pillow behind her head as her hips shot upward, spraying her juices onto the wall of her room.

  As her panting died down, she felt ashamed. Shouldn't she simply be happy that he was okay?

  What are my feelings toward him anyway?

  …

  I just fucking came to the thought of his face. But every time I look at that same smug prick in person I just want to hit him. And he thinks he's so much better than me…

  Presently…

  Shiinji held Asuka in his arms as they id on her bed.

  I don't understand.

  Lilith said that Asuka was jealous of my strength. Why was she happy now?

  He opened his eyes and looked deeply into hers. The new look in her eyes troubled him.

  Was she? Happy?

  As he stared, Asuka's cheeks deepened a shade as she became frustrated. So many conflicting emotions were vying for control. What did she want from him?

  "I…"

  Shinji stumbled, uncertain of how to express himself.

  "I- something… that bothered me… is when you called me a hero.

  I'm… not…

  A hero.

  I don’t want to pretend to be one.”

  Once he had a train of thought, the words started tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could catch them.

  "I couldn't even protect myself, let alone everyone else. You and Rei almost died because I was useless. I don’t ever want anyone to think I’m some brave warrior, or a person capable of saving the world. That…"

  “That hurt… me. I'd been… in the LCL for so long… and you were mad at me. I wanted to scream, yell, hit things…”

  …

  “It hurt."

  Tears were welling up now, and to his surprise, the same was true for Asuka.

  She parted her lips from the grimace she wore just seconds ago.

  "I'm s-

  Ah- I'm sorry-y-heeeee."

  She sobbed. Tears rushing so forcefully. Using the back of her wrists to wipe her face like a young child, her startling shift in demeanor reminded him of when she id next to him during their sync training for Israfel. She looked so innocent. Like he needed to protect her despite knowing she was stronger… than…

  him…

  That's it.

  "I'm… not stronger than you, Asuka."

  She didn't look at him.

  "I'm not better than you. You-"

  She still didn't move her hands to look at him. So he put his hand on her cheek, slowly pointing her face to his. He slid his hand down and gently wrapped his fingers around her chin to tilt her head forward. Her hands drifted apart.

  "-You. You are the reason I can do the impossible. You make me want to be a better person than I possibly can be. Everything I do is an extension of your power over me."

  "Wh-what are you saying?"

  "To be honest? I don't really know. I'm speaking from the heart, so my head hasn't figured it out yet. I just know I mean every word."

  After a short pause of confusion, Asuka giggled, eyes still brimmed with tears. She nudged him with her arm and sniffled.

  "Dork."

  They id there, hugging each other for some time. Simply enjoying each others' company. It was a long time before either of them broke the silence, as if they were afraid doing so would break the spell binding them together.

  After enough time had passed, perhaps an hour, Asuka finally spoke what was on her mind.

  "When you were gone, I-

  I didn't know what to do. I was… angry."

  "At me?"

  "I thought so. But now I'm not sure."

  "...At… yourself?" He tentatively asked

  "Psh. I don't know… Maybe? Who knows that kinda thing anyways?"

  "No, I guess that makes sense. I wouldn’t know either."

  Another pause. Only about a minute or so.

  "What happened to you? Where did you go?"

  "I was in the LCL inside-"

  "No, I know *where*, but like… ugh, you know… what happened?"

  Shinji paused, thinking about how his cssmates reacted. He hadn't really cared about them being worried for him until the inquisition was nearly over, and then only because he didn't want them to think he was weird for going back to school so soon after the ordeal. He didn't want to bother expining that all he wanted was normalcy.

  But now, with Asuka, he had all-new worries. He didn't want to scare her, or make her worry about him even more than she already did.

  "It's hard to expin. But… it was like… my mind was separated from my non-existent body. The only Self I had existed only so long as my willpower remained intact. Over time, though, my mind came back together, and I could think more properly."

  "Was it scary?"

  "Sssort of…

  And sort of not. It was like… tense? I guess? Like- I didn't know whether I could ever return to my body, and even if so, how long it would take. But that didn't really bother me too much at the time. I guess I just didn't have the computing power to spare on something so existential like that or whatever."

  More silence.

  “I… learned things.”

  “Like what?”

  “A lot. Too much, really.”

  “About yourself?”

  Shinji paused. He frowned. Had he?

  The entire time Lilith spoke to him, if it even really was Lilith, it told him about other people. Did learning these new things change how he perceived himself? Undoubtedly it did, but what? What did he learn about himself?

  Asuka pressed on.

  “You had all that time to think. You came to realizations about other people? Or about yourself?”

  “No. I learned. I was taught.”

  “…”

  “…”

  “By… what?”

  “I… don’t know… I have suspicions, but nothing concrete.”

  Asuka looked worried.

  Should I have told her that? Is she going to report this as psychosis to Miss Ritsuko? I don’t want to expin all this to-

  …

  Or do I? Is that a good idea?

  “Are you sure you can trust this… thing… that spoke to you? What if it’s the angels trying to trick you?”

  Shinji panicked internally for a moment.

  Oh my God. What if she’s right?

  Oh my God, she believes me. That feels so good.

  What if she tells people. Will THEY think I’m crazy?

  Is Lilith even real? Is it trying to trick me?

  Can the angels infect minds like that?

  Lilith said only one was adept at that. The next angel

  How can I trust that

  We’ll just have to see. Everything else was-

  Everything else came true.

  Including this. Right here. Laying with Asuka, making her happy.

  I showed her my weakness, made her my strength. Just like Lilith said.

  This was all thanks to Lilith.

  In only a few mind-bending seconds, Shinji resolved to trust the entity, whether or not it was Lilith. If it gave him this beautiful moment, he would do anything to fulfill its promises.

  *He must not win*

  Who was the “He” that Lilith warned him about. Why would it tell him so much, but not that? Could it not bring itself to name Him? Was it a test? To see who he would decide He was?

  Asuka was still staring at him expectedly.

  “Sorry, I was just lost in thought…

  I think…

  I think I can trust the entity, whatever it was.”

  “Why is that?”

  Once again, Shinji was simply honest.

  “Because it gave me this moment.”

  Silence.

  “You were following the words of some voice? When you kissed me? When… you threw me down? All for this?”

  Her voice was rising in intensity.

  “Wait, no, I-”

  “No, what? You wanted to get into my pants, so you forced yourself on me? Is that it?”

  “NO! Wait, really, it wasn’t anything like that!”

  She hesitated. Seeing the look of genuine grief in his eyes.

  She calmed down.

  I gotta take care of this little punk. Look at how pathetic he is without me.

  She sighed deeply. Calmly, she looked him in the eye.

  “Expin. I won’t interrupt this time.”

  Relief washed over Shinji. It was surprising how much the thought of her putting trust in him gave him so much joy. Fighting back the tears that were starting to form, he began to reword his statement.

  “The voice- the entity, whatever, told me things about a lot of people. You, Rei, my father, Misato, Miss Ristuko, even some of our cssmates.”

  When he mentioned Rei, Asuka’s eyebrows creased for an instant, but she caught herself before retorting.

  “It told me about how, to defeat the angels, we EVA pilots needed to work well together. To form a bond. To be happy together. It said that when I demonstrate my strength, it makes Rei happy, but makes you angry. Despite that, it told me another time to give in to my instincts.”

  “Give in to your instincts? Sounds dangerous. Especially around me. You’re lucky I didn’t knock your head off.”

  She was smiling as she spoke. Her smile looked so beautiful. He loved to see her happy.

  “It said, if I remember right, something like ‘Human instincts have survived eons to guide you. Let it guide’ or something like that.”

  “So your instincts told you to assault me? I didn’t think you would be into that kind of py.”

  She teased.

  “Neither did I.”

  He added, nervously.

  Some more awkward silence.

  “So...

  ...you want to get ‘friendly’ with Rei, too?”

  Shinji spoke without thinking,

  “Yeah, but I just don’t know how to go about it.”

  Anger fshed in Asuka’s eyes again. Blisteringly hot.

  “I- no, I- not like… Ah, geez…”

  “You really need to work on that. I can only go through so many mood swings, eventually you’ll get my switch stuck on mad.”

  Just the thought was terrifying.

  But it was okay. Because they still held each other.