Shinji woke up, staring at the ceiling above him.

  “I’m so tired.”

  I just woke up and I’m so, so tired. I can’t go to school. I can’t go, and I can’t stay. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear the thought of sitting in css after what happened yesterday. But I can’t bear the thought of sitting around in the apartment next to Asuka and Misato.

  “...”

  Where’s Rei? Will she be at school today?

  “...”

  Asuka would strangle me with my own entrails if she knew I was thinking about Rei right now.

  “...”

  Goddamn it, Ikari, when are you going to grow a pair? You have to apologize to Hikari. That settles it. I’m going today.

  “...”

  You’re still just ying there. Useless. Rei might be there. Kill two birds with one stone-

  No, it’s three, isn’t it? Cause I’m running from Asuka, too. Probably more than three.

  “...

  ...

  Goddamn it, Ikari, when are you going to grow a pair?”

  This time, by saying it out loud, he could feel the shame more properly. Maybe now this zy, useless pile of flesh will do something.

  “...”

  Still just ying here.

  Shinji was te.

  Again.

  He couldn’t possibly avoid all the awkward attention.

  Well, I couldn’t anyway, could I. Maybe if I walk in looking shameful it’ll be enough for them to understand. At least to shut them up.

  He opened the door to the cssroom and stepped inside. He quickly made for his seat, trying his best to not appear to all the world like a giant lighthouse, grabbing the attention of every person within a hundred miles. There was one thing- No, two things, that made it bearable. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, Rei sitting against the wall. Then, he noticed Hikari was the only kid he saw who didn’t look at him. He was grateful for that. He didn’t want to feel her judgment. And so he sat, and for the first time since arriving in Tokyo-3, he paid attention to his teacher and took notes.

  It was lunch time. He wanted to go talk to Rei while he had the chance, but he could talk to her at NERV HQ, couldn’t he? He should prioritize his apology to Hikari. That was the mature thing to do, after all. The problem was, he couldn’t find her. Not daring to ask any other students where she normally sits, not that anybody would know anyway, he wandered the school grounds looking in all the cliche spots. Behind the bleachers, in the gym, around the locker rooms, until finally, he checked the roof…

  “Um. H-”

  She turned to look at him.

  He fell silent in his shame.

  She stood, staring. He couldn’t look at her face so he didn’t know with what emotion she was staring. Contempt? Anger? Sadness?

  Fear?

  His eyes fixed on the ground, he finally spoke.

  “Um. H-

  …Hi…

  …Hikari.”

  “...”

  “...”

  He raised his head and looked squarely at her, locking eyes as he found some courage and said

  “I’m sorry…”

  “I’m sorry…”

  What? His voice was-

  No. Not his voice. Not alone, anyway. Hers, too.

  She… She apologized? Why?

  He studied her face and found at once the same shame he wore.

  He understood completely.

  She thinks it’s her fault. She thinks she’s the one who hurt me so bad. I have to tell her-

  “I’m so, so sorry, Ikari.”

  She was sobbing heavily.

  He was stunned. He didn’t understand at all.

  I’m so, so tired.

  “I- you don’t- you don’t have to- I’m-”

  Every time he tried to start a sentence, it failed him.

  He took a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry, Hikari- no.

  Css president.

  I should never have reacted the way I did yesterday. I should never have put my hands on you. I’m the only one here to bme for my actions, and I’m so ashamed of them. Please forgive me.”

  He ended his apology with a proper bow. This would do it. She would understand now.

  She sobbed even harder.

  She doesn’t understand? I don’t understand-… Anything… I’m so, so, so very tired.

  “I’m so sorry, Shinji”

  That was the first time she called me by my given name. What does that mean?

  I’m so tired. I don’t understand. I’m so tired.

  “No, I’m sorry… Horaki…”

  Was he supposed to say her given name now? He was so embarrassed about the fact that he had no idea what he was supposed to say. He was never good with people. He still wasn’t, even now.

  He panicked and said what went through his mind.

  “I shed out at you, I hurt you. I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. That’s all it is. You don’t have to be sorry.”

  Her tears did not slow, and she turned away from him. Did that mean the conversation… Such as it was… was over?

  Am I supposed to leave? Am I supposed to approach and comfort her? How do I do that? Do I say anything, or just awkwardly step backward down stairs and drink a stupid carton of skim milk with the rest of the dumb kids here?

  He felt a hand on his shoulder. He would have freaked out and jumped at it if he wasn’t so preoccupied with his social incompetence. He turned to see. It was Rei. Her shining red eyes piercing his soul.

  “Come. We should leave her to her privacy.”

  Oh, thank God somebody knows what to do. Please take me away from here O’ Divine Goddess.

  Out of the frying pan…

  Shinji stared at the wall in front of him as Rei sat to his left, staring intensely at him.

  I thought this would be easy…

  “Shinji…”

  “Y- yes?”

  “I had hoped you could tell me more. About me…

  …About you.”

  He heard her silent statement, ‘about me and you’. It surprised him how strong she felt about him.

  But then, why shouldn’t she? ‘The blood of battle is thicker than the water of the womb’, after all, or however that phrase goes. We train together, fight angels together. Why shouldn’t she be attached to him?

  Am I? Attached to her… In that way?

  “I’m not sure where to start.”

  “What am I?”

  “...”

  “...”

  “...An artificial-”

  “No, I know that now. I was not born, I was made. But how, by what, and by whom?”

  He smiled inwardly. Only Rei would use a word like ‘whom’.

  “...As best I can tell, your DNA is that of a combination between my mother and Lilith.”

  “What about the soul?”

  “Huh?”

  “What about the soul? The EVA’s as you say are just husks without one. Just homunculi. Am I?

  A homunculus?”

  “No! I mean… You couldn’t be… You have to have some kind of…”

  “Then whose? From where? How? Why?”

  “...I’m really not sure, but I think… Lilith herself? Like Adam is to Kowaru.”

  “...That boy? The one you mentioned before, the st angel before Seele attacks. If he is an angel like any other, how could he possess the soul of Adam?”

  “I… Don’t know… That’s just how Lilith seemed to expin it. Maybe I misunderstood, or…”

  “How could Lilith speak to you in the EVA if I have her soul? If her body is below, in Terminal Dogma?”

  “I don’t know, I-”

  “So you can’t be certain of this?!”

  She was frantic.

  What’s going on with her? I don’t understand. I’m so, so very tired.

  “You cannot be certain that my body is that of Yui.”

  What? Why is she fixated on that?

  “So I am not like your sister.”

  Ah. Oh…

  “It would not be wrong…”

  She grabbed his hand and pced it on her cheek.

  “So, please…”

  “Oh.”

  She was crying. Why?

  “...please… Don’t push me away again!”

  She kissed him. With her left hand holding the back of his head, pressing his harder into hers, as if she could squeeze the two of them together.

  He didn’t resist. Even if he wanted to, he didn’t have the strength to do so…

  …Did he? Want to resist?

  …

  …I don't.

  He leaned into it, kissing her back.

  I’m such a piece of shit. After caressing Asuka, forcing myself on her like that, I go running to the next girl that opens her legs. I’m so fucked up.

  “Ah-”

  They both jumped. Who was that? They uncoupled and turned to see…

  Horaki? Why is she here?

  “Sh- Shinji…”

  She mumbled and looked down.

  “Y-”

  Her head shot up violently and continued.

  “Shinji Ikari! I- I’m sorry. For hurting you. I want to make it up to you…

  …But I see Miss Ayanami beat me to it…”

  A smirk forming, her face turned crimson as she spoke, then she turned and walked away.

  I…

  Wh-...

  …

  …

  …I am so fucking tired… of all these girls…