I remember writing a poem years ago.

  I dream of being a mermaid.

  It would be so much pleasure.

  I dream of going through upgrade.

  Into the ocean unmeasured.

  Of making brassieres from seashells.

  And from seagrass sewing skirts.

  Of wearing earrings from pearls.

  And a starfish in hair.

  Of having a beautiful tail.

  As if made of mirrors.

  On which every single scale

  In the Sun shines and shimmers.

  Of singing beautiful songs

  Written on kelp with ink of squid.

  Of answering my inner call.

  Of growing algae to eat.

  Of sleeping on gulfweed bed

  After swimming with the congridae.

  Of letting curiosity led

  To a sunken treasure.

  Of watching the Full Moon

  Through a yer of seafoam

  While surrounded by coral in bloom

  And blissed with my underwater home.

  Of meeting other merfolk

  And learning their way of life.

  Of seeing old friends to talk

  And hug on a secret night.

  Of telling others about nd

  With an energetic voice.

  Of helping those who on coast hang

  Make the satisfying choice.

  And as the Sun tells me with its crew

  To wake up from my dream

  I ask myself if I want to.

  And do I really need?

  That was the moment I realised it was more than a fantasy.

  *

  As I looked through my old writing with Arja we couldn't help, but ugh. Younger me had a simple obsession. It was impossible not to notice how I loved stories where the protagonist became a mermaid. It started with Hydrogen Monoxide Girlz and escated from there.

  Soon I began writing my own stories. And from time to time I couldn't help but go in that direction. Over the time I accumuted a lot of stories about mermaids. They brought good memories.

  "You seem like somebody who would like that to happen to them," said Arja.

  "Yeah, maybe. But I guess it has to stay a fantasy," I said.

  "You know with today knowledge you could without any problem? I mean, look at me."

  One look at Arja was enough to understand. Arja was an otherkin. Out of all the bodies she could have been born into she felt a body of a dragon to fit her perfectly. Once species repcement therapy came to be she felt so happy that she could take it. She loved her scales and she couldn't wait to achieve her perfect hybrid state.

  "Of course I know species repcement therapy exists," I said. "But you know that with how my heart is I can go through it?"

  It was an unfortunate truth about my body. I had a serious heart defect. It was not threatening, but only after I had several surgeries. Ever since I got interested in species repcement therapy I knew one thing. It is because of these surgeries that I could not transition. Only fully mammalian species were safe for me and mermaids don't count as such.

  "Yeah, sorry," said Arja. "But at least you have those." She pointed at a stack of paper covered in Calibri telling stories of underwater creatures.

  "And that no part of my body can take away from me."

  However deep down I felt something. Something that was hiding, but wanted to get out.

  *

  That evening I could not sleep. I just rolled in bed from side to side. I couldn't stop thinking about all the stories I read and saw and wrote. About how I really wished to live in them.

  Another night of overanalysing. I wanted to prevent it.

  I searched for a movie on my phone. I saw something I wanted to watch on one ptform. I Saw It in the Pool. It was said this movie was the greatest horror for otherkins. I wanted to see it, but it skipped cinemas in my home town.

  I watched the movie.

  It haunted me.

  *

  Next day I walked to the river. I stepped in and sat leaning on the riverbank. It felt calming. It let me finally focus my thoughts. It felt like a moment of peace.

  I realised what my thoughts were pointing towards. The stories, the creations, the emotions. I realised who I wanted to be. I realised who I was.

  I walked back to the nd and called Arja.

  "Hello. I think you might have been more right then we realised at first."