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Chapter 5.2

  I had been busy with the travel preparations for three entire days. It was a complex expedition. We would need to brave snow, we had no idea how long it would take, food would be impossible to procure in the south, and that was just the mundane stuff. There were also all the military supplies necessary to face a Cataclysm that had been requested by Uther after he talked with Allan.

  I was exhausted. So, I was glad to be able to eat my supper calmly in the castle kitchen together with the other servants. It was a relaxed atmosphere, with the women catching up on the latest gossip or just having small talk.

  My mind was on the mission I was about to engage in, but my body was faking interest in a discussion about a possible romance between a commoner servant I didn’t know and a guard that I also didn’t know.

  It was in the middle of this ‘exciting’ conversation when I saw Blueberry enter the kitchen. That was the first time I had seen her since her ordeal. She walked with her head low, hugging her arm. The pain from the lashes should have been over by then, but her movements were still stiff. She grabbed her food and sat at a table.

  “Hi,” Blue said timidly to the girl in front of her.

  “Sorry, Blue. I am really busy today, we’ll talk another day, ok?” she said, hurriedly getting up from the table with a half-finished bowl of stew and an unbitten piece of bread.

  The girl to her left finished her meal prematurely and got up, while the one to her right unceremoniously changed tables.

  And there it was, the ostracism.

  Receiving punishment for minor transgressions was just a fact of life, but if a slave commits a grave crime, such as hurting or killing a master, attempting to run away, or committing suicide, her family and close friends will also be punished, even if the perpetrator cannot be. The idea is that the group will watch itself, but this has created another problem: People will distance themselves from someone who has already committed any significant crime, or whom they suspect might commit one, as a means of protection.

  The idea is that this person is more likely to commit a grave transgression in the future, and because of that, she will also be watched closely by the overseers, making any association with her a risky proposition.

  This might seem cowardly or unfair from the outside, but it's something that only someone who lives with the constant fear of having to pay for another’s crime can truly understand.

  Blueberry just lowered her head and ate. She hadn't gotten much food to start with, but even so, she could only manage three bites before she got up and left.

  I nodded and made an affirmative sound, hoping that this response somehow matched the story the woman in front of me was telling, and resumed eating.

  This is not my problem; I already have enough problems as it is. I told myself. I am not even that close to her…

  Maybe things would fix themselves with Blueberry and I was worrying for nothing.

  But I had seen this happen too many times before to be able to fool myself that way. This isolation would give room to harassment, which would lead to even more isolation, which would lead to even meaner harassment. It was an insidious spiral.

  Maybe I should have used this example with Winter...

  But in the middle of my internal mumbles, I had an idea—a bad idea—a spur-of-the-moment thing that wouldn't survive a night of sleep. But at that moment, it was the only one I could come up with, and I was really tired of passively watching without doing anything.

  “If you discover more, please tell me. I am dying to know!” I said to the women at my table with fake enthusiasm before getting up and heading towards the door Blueberry had left through.

  I knew the castle like the back of my hand, so if someone needed a place to mop near the kitchen, I knew just the spot.

  I found her in a storage room under the stairs. She was obviously crying, but as soon as she saw me, she pretended she wasn't.

  “Miss Gift?” Blue said startled. “Sorry, I was just resting a bit. I will return to work,” She added defensively as she tried to get up.

  “Stay down, I am not here because of that,” I said, making gestures for her to remain calm, like I was dealing with a frightened, cornered little animal.

  She reluctantly stayed put. I slowly walked closer to her and sat at her side.

  “I came here because I wanted to ask how you are.”

  “Me? I am fine… I… I…” She tried to maintain her fa?ade; she really did. But it slowly crumbled as she broke down crying.

  “Why are they doing this to me? All my friends stopped talking to me. Even my sister is avoiding me. It was an accident … I never wanted that to happen…”

  I let her vent a little more; she truly needed it. But I did not have a lot of spare time, so as soon as she gave an opening, I interrupted her:

  “Blue, can you keep a secret?”

  “Servants that can’t keep secrets don’t live long,” she quoted the old saying from the castle slaves while wiping her tears.

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  I sighed, unsure if I should do it or not, but I just mentally said 'screw it' and blurted out:

  “We are about to launch an expedition to the south to hunt a powerful monster. It will be a harsh trip in the middle of winter, difficult and incredibly dangerous. I can’t stress enough how dangerous it will be; we might all die there. I need someone to do support work: cook, clean, keep tabs on the supplies, fetch wood, that kind of stuff. If you would like to go, I will get you in.”

  She stared at me with wide eyes.

  “Let me make this perfectly clear: I am not ordering you. The choice to go is entirely yours. If you decide to stay, I will not hold that against you. In fact, that would probably be the smart choice.”

  “But… But… Why?” She asked, still stunned.

  “Most slaves from the castle will never pass the city gates. When you return, you will not be ‘the girl that burned the princess,’ but ‘the girl that went with the prince’s party to slay a powerful monster.’ Everybody will want to know your stories—what you saw, what you did. But again: Dangerous, unbelievably dangerous.”

  I got up and brushed the dirt off my dress. Before leaving, I said to her:

  “Think carefully about this, and if you decide to go, find me tomorrow.” Then I walked away.

  ***

  The sky was still dark, the air was cold, and my respiration let escape puffs of white smoke as I was overseeing the last details before our departure.

  We were near the city gates with two carriages from the army. These were heavy-duty ones, designed to bring supplies to the worst battlefields under the harshest conditions. They were each drawn by four horses.

  Blueberry, wearing an oversized hooded cloak and an engraved metal collar, was noting the content of boxes on a sheet of paper and loading them into the carriages with the help of two soldiers. I had instructed her on how to do the accounting of the supplies and watched her to ensure she didn't make any mistakes. That had been my job until now, but this time, I was part of the main team and delegating the support work to someone else was the best option.

  It is heartwarming to see the spark in the eyes of someone amazed to do something that has become routine for you. Blueberry was so excited, no sign of her moping self from two days ago.

  As I had predicted, the morning after, I was about to call off the offer. To be truthful, I was not that close to Blue to start with. For some reason, she was always nervous and overly respectful around me. However, as soon as I opened the door of my room, she was already waiting outside, all excited, saying she wanted to go.

  I tried to dissuade her.

  “It will be cold.”

  “I will bring all my warm clothes.”

  “We will need to ration food.”

  “I eat little anyway.”

  “It will be dangerous.”

  “You said that multiple times, and I still want to go.”

  In the end, it all came down to the fact that it was so rare for a castle slave to be given a choice about her own life that offering one and then taking it away would be just too cruel.

  We were carrying supplies worth tens of thousands of Golden Kovaneks, so taking a slave with us was a non-issue. However, there were some conditions. Since she didn’t have authorization to leave the city—a privilege that was very high on the list a castle slave could earn—Blue would need to use a magic slave collar attuned to Uther.

  She did not protest, in fact, she wore it as a symbol of status, ignoring that this collar could inflict so much pain on her that it would make her whipping feel like a gentle massage.

  Uther arrived on horse.

  He went to talk to the knights that were chosen to accompany us, hand-picked by Uther this time among the best and most loyal.

  After that he went to talk to the soldiers that were loading the carriages. He even exchanged some words with Blueberry that she was too nervous to properly reply.

  Is he avoiding me? I thought.

  But finally, he came in my direction. I informed him about the status of our preparation, but I could as well be talking to the wind, it was like only his body was there.

  Suddenly, he turned in my direction, took a deep breath and looked straight into my eyes.

  “Gift, before we go, there is something I need to tell you,” Uther had a slight strain in his voice. “You remember our proposal with Nariel about an alliance, right?”

  “Yes, I do,” I said, slipping into my formal tone due to the uneasiness in the air.

  “Well, the king of Nariel accepted our alliance, and he suggested that we should seal the deal with a marriage between our two families.”

  My heart started to race. Uther was beating around the bush, but I knew in my core what he was about to say.

  “He does not have a daughter to offer to Allan, but he does have a niece he is very fond of. Marrying her to Allan would be an uneven proposal, so he offered her to marry me. There were some talks between Allan, Mother, and our foreign affairs minister, and today they came to the conclusion that we should accept his offer.”

  “Congratulations, Master!” I said with the most natural-looking smile I could force my facial muscles to display.

  Keep calm! Keep calm! I always knew this would happen.

  “And who is she?” I asked with a strange modulation in my voice.

  “Her name is Lutzia, Lutzia Laladary Nariel. She is seventeen years old, and the information I got about her is that she is a beautiful lady, clever, and proper.”

  “She looks like a great match. I am very happy for you, Master.”

  “What do you think of this?” he asked me, his tone betraying some uncertainty.

  “This will be great for the kingdom.” I jumped into professional mode. “We will secure the western frontier, which will free resources to reconquer the south. Commerce with Nariel will also help with our food shortage...”

  “Not that... me getting married,” he interrupted me.

  What I thought about him marrying another woman?

  Uther was my master, and I was his slave. That was the relationship we had. There were never lies, hollow promises, or false expectations. I would never be his wife; that was never a possibility, not even a remote one. And yet ...

  I loved Uther. That was something I could not lie to myself about, but it was also irrelevant. One of my tenets was to not wish for things I could not have, and there I was, doing just that. Any hurt I felt was only from self-inflicted wounds; I was the only one to blame for them.

  I never had any expectation of exclusivity, ours was not a symmetrical relationship by any definition. Uther had many dalliances and that was not a secret. Even some servants from the castle had asked me to pass their willingness to him. But I never felt my place in his life threatened until that moment.

  I was Uther’s property, having my body was considered his right, so we could remain lovers if he so desired. It was not considered infidelity, nor did it carry any stigma, as it would if I were a free woman. I could still have a place in his life, but it would become much smaller. His priority would be his wife and his future children, as it should be.

  But more than my love, Uther had my loyalty, and I dared to say my friendship. His marriage would be a political one, it was not his choice, but even so I wanted him to be loved and happy. I honestly valued his happiness over my own, and that was the core of it.

  “I hope you have a wonderful and long marriage, that your children are healthy and happy, and that you allow me to serve your household for as many years as I have left.”

  Every word was true, bittersweet as they were. I felt like I was letting go of something heavy I had been carrying for a long time.

  “Thanks.” Uther came closer and gave me a discreet hug. “In my family there will always be a place for you.”

  We stood like that for longer than we should have, and as we distanced ourselves, I added jokingly:

  “But Master, you really need to work on your timing! Announcing your marriage right before we go into battle? You have no respect for the gods of fate.”

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