231 (III)

  Bread [II]

  Suddenly, the anger Shiv felt faded. He found himself happy, happy to be here, happy to meet his fate, even if it was to be an ugly one. The sun burned just over the Anointed Knight's head, and his armored body gleamed like something between well-toasted bread and burnished soil. In his right hands, he bore a grand halberd that seemed shaped from some manner of plantstuff. Shiv reached out to touch it using his Biomancy, but then held himself back as he remembered the danger the Anointed One’s alien magic posed.

  "Undying One," the Anointed One greeted. In person, his reverberating voice was crisp and regal, and it carried with it a pleasant summer breeze. "You come to me. You stand in the stead of these undignified Patternists. You say there is a chance for peace. So, speak. Speak, and make your offering. Speak, and be judged by an Anointed Knight of the Court of Summer."

  Shiv looked the Anointed Knight up and down and tried to get anything from his adversary. His Psycho-Cartography came up with nothing.

  Psycho-Cartography: I told you I cannot give you a psychological profile of a bread creature. I have no experience with bread. He's pissed off and vengeful, from what we can tell. Maybe you can use that.

  "Alright, let's get a few things clear: I'm not part of Monster Mystery Meat. I'm just here to make sure you don't kill all the customers."

  "Bah!" The Anointed One waved a hand. His halberd gleamed bright, and a blossom of sunflowers spread along its sides. The edge of its blade stank of fragrant flowers and fertilizer. "They matter little, and they will offer little. Their flesh will be dedicated to Princess Plum Blossom for the absence of my offered brethren."

  "Wait," Shiv said. "So you're literally going to feed Princess Plum Blossom the flesh of these people?"

  "Princess Plum Blossom will taste anything that comes from life to give life." The Anointed One’s sunflower-ploomed bread helm cracked in places, and chunks of toast burst free, as if he were spasming in agitation. "Princess Plum Blossom must be fed. The harvesting season depends on…"

  "Alright, I'm gonna have to interrupt again," Shiv said. "I might be able to supply you with all the meat you want. In exchange, though, you're going to need to let everyone else go."

  The Anointed One went still. "And how will you do this? How will you give us this meat? For the transgressions demand enough flesh to feed a hoard of dragons, enough flesh to shape a new mountain—”

  “If you got the vitality, I’ll provide that meat for you.”

  Shiv observed the Anointed One a few seconds longer. Just then, it struck him that none of the Faebread had any vitality. Instead, there was this strange membrane around them, a quivering substance that was almost grayish in hue. If Shiv had to describe it, it was like diluted mercury, and most importantly, there was no warmth. There wasn't even coldness. It was just like they were an… absence.

  “I come back from being dead,” Shiv said. “I wouldn’t cook myself for people, but…”

  “This is known to me,” the Anointed One cut Shiv off. "Your Path is shrouded by a strange skill, but even masked and obscured, I can see it continue on without end… I do not know how you have done this. You are clearly not one of those self-mutilaters."

  "What?" Shiv said. "Self-what?"

  "Those most foolish among your ilk that practice what you call Necromancy, that have undergone the ritual to spread their souls wide, delaying the inevitable. You are different. You endure. You burn. Your flame exists because it decides to continue existing. It is a self-sustaining thing. You are an enduring thing. Yet, that matters little."

  "I'd say it matters a whole godsdamn lot. If it's meat you need, then I'll just die over and over again. Eventually, Princess Plum Blossom will eat her fill, and the debt will be settled, right?"

  The Anointed One didn't respond immediately. Instead, he looked upon Shiv with what felt like an increasing hint of scorn, bathing him in an orange glow. The Deathless got the feeling that he just threw the Bread-Knight’s plans for a loop with this offer of easy meat. "And you think this is enough? You think that I will just let you cheat us?"

  "Cheat you?" Shiv said, annoyed. "I'm literally offering you my deaths to feed your princess. You claimed any flesh was fine a moment ago, and here I am. Ready. Willing. Shit, I’ll even cook myself for you.”

  "You are tainted! There is nothing we can take from you. Do you understand? You wrong thing! You impossible thing! I will not have a creature of unnatural stock debasing the Summer Court. You will not serve as nourishment or fertilizer. We are owed more than a tumor.”

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  Shiv blinked. "You're calling me a tumor? I'm sorry, what does your bread do to people?"

  "Anointed One," the Gingerbread-Knights called out as a collective. "He may yet be a new flavor. He may yet offer the princess..."

  "Silence!" the Anointed One bellowed, shaking the throne room with his wrath. "I am Anointed. I have been touched by Princess Plum Blossom's hand. I am to be her prime dessert, and all will heed my words in this matter, mine, and mine alone!"

  Psycho-Cartography: Wait. I do have something. This isn't just the fae being assholes; the vengeance and cruelty are personal for the Anointed One. The others are thinking more about the princess. He’s here partially for himself…

  Psycho-Cartography 94 > 96

  Shiv snorted as he looked the Anointed One up and down. "You're pretty full of yourself, aren't you, Toasty? Well, I offered you my corpses, but you didn't take it. You tell me what you need, though, and I'll see about getting it to you. And on top of that, do you have an actual way back to the Fairwoods?"

  The Anointed Knight didn't say anything.

  "I guessed not. I think it's not going to be easy for you to get back home either. But I might just have a way to offer that to you as well.”

  Rather than bending, the Anointed Knight slammed the butt of his halberd down on the ground, and the entire room flashed with warm brilliance. "You overstep, Undying One. You think me weak! You think me feeble! You think I cannot lead my charges home? I allowed you in because you proved to be a curiosity and then an eccentricity. Now you mock me. Tempt my anger."

  "I'm not tempting shit," Shiv spat, "but you seem to be spoiling for a fight. Now, I'm gonna tell you this much: I don't know much about you. I don't understand how you work and all that, but I can pour a bunch of darkness into the room and destroy your pawns. After that, well, I might not be able to kill you reliably, but I will do terrible things to you."

  "There is nothing you can inflict that I—"

  "If I beat you, I'm putting you in a cage. But I'm not going to eat you. No, I'm just going to hide you somewhere until cycle after cycle passes, and you become known as the Anointed Knight that failed." Shiv laughed at his adversary. "Now, you claim my flesh won't do. Meanwhile, a few of your Gingerbread-Knights say that the princess might find my flesh pretty flavorful. Someone has to be bullshitting here, and considering the fit you're throwing..."

  "Enough!" the Anointed One shouted. The room trembled again, and Shiv felt a psionic wave crash against him. It broke apart against his Shapeless Tides, but his emotions were thrown into disarray. Sadness, anger, frustration, sorrow, hunger, and many more cycled through him like there was a whirlwind inside his heart, before they settled again after a few moments.

  "I have allowed you to prattle on too long," the Anointed Knight growled. "This dialogue is over. I will not—”

  Inspiration took hold of Shiv. A thing of pure daring and blind assumption guided him. It was a particularly wild and instinctive gambit, but with that slight hint of discord between the Anointed Knight and his minions, Shiv decided to do something audacious. "I challenge you to a duel, Anointed One. You guys do that, right? You're supposed to be a knight and all."

  The Anointed Knight went still. "You…”

  "I challenge you to a duel," Shiv repeated, "for the honor of Princess Plum Blossom, because you seem to be determined to make sure your lady doesn't get to enjoy all the flavors she so desires. Which makes me sure you’re more in it for yourself than the Summer Court. What would they say if they knew what you were doing here? What kind of knight thinks of himself first before his princess?”

  "You dare?" the Anointed Knight snarled with terrible purpose.

  "I do more than dare." Shiv chuckled. "If you bring me to her, I'll even cook for her. How about that? How about I cook for your princess to make up for this whole matter? Because if I do, I might need to make an apology to the Winter Court for throwing everything out of balance the other way.”

  "You think you are worthy?" the Anointed Knight snapped. He pointed his halberd at Shiv’s face.

  Shiv angled his head and looked past the pointed blade. "Yeah, in fact, I think I want to prove it to you. You got a mouth behind that helmet?"

  The Anointed One hesitated. Shiv took that as a yes.

  "Well, how about this? Here are the conditions of my duel: I'm going to kill myself once, and then I'm going to figure out what I can cook from my body. You tell me how it tastes. You tell me if she can eat that—if I taste good. I lose? Fine. You can keep throwing your fit, and we move on to violence. But if I can satisfy you, if I can make you change your mind, then we be adults here. We talk business. So. Are you picking up my gauntlet, or are your bread balls about to shrivel before Fall even gets here?”

  “Ohhh!” the Gingerbread-Knights cried out in alarm.

  The Anointed One flashed bright and was transmuted into glass. “You… So be it. Show me, Deathless. Show me your paltry cooking. Show me, so that I might curse you for all eternity—curse your unworthy hand, curse your wretched soul… CURSE YOU!”

  Sticks and Stones 60 > 64

  Stretches of yeast and mold receded from the cooking stations in the throne room as the Anointed One waved a gauntleted hand. At the same moment, he pushed himself off his throne with two of his arms and rose to his full, towering height. A billowing cape of vines and flowers spilled out from his shoulders, and he took a thundering step down the stairs leading up to his dais.

  Shiv's face twisted into a feral grin as his heart began to speed up. Finally…

  He breathed in deeply. “Oh, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this. You just made your last godsdamned mistake, bread man.”

  Everything around Shiv came aglitter as The Chef Unwavering roared to full power within the Deathless.