Colonel Mathews

  We proceeded up the steps using the pole to check for traps. It had seemed idiotic, but if it saved one of my guys from getting a spring loaded arrow to the knee I’ll buy the nerd who suggested it a drink. The architecture seemed in line with something ancient but I knew first hand it was only a month old. The entrance inside was imposing with motifs and various monstrous beings, the like you see in fairy tales and fantasy novels. I immediately made Private Zimmerman promise to decline any requests to destroy cursed jewelry. Everyone else was smart enough to not get caught with that trap, Zimmerman not so much.

  I touched my coms and reported in, “This is Albatross One. We have arrived at the entrance. Pictures of various beasts and monsters are detailed along the sides and top. Possibly decoration, possibly a warning of what was inside. Geiger still showing occasional spikes but nothing definite. Proceeding forward. Over” I received an affirmative and signaled the squad to move forward guns at the ready.

  Moving into the structure the entire surface was made up of some strange gray stone with golden flecks. I signaled Specialist Dods and he moved to scrape at it with his combat knife. After a few tries he shook his head and said, “No good. It’s not leaving a mark on the stone. Whatever it’s made of is strong.” I nodded and we moved out. The passageway continued straight, some kind of ambient light filling the space with no discernible source.

  We walked long enough that I was pretty sure we should have already reached the other side. Based on our measurements the distance from the entrance to the other side of the top part shouldn’t have been more than a hundred feet. However we had been walking for at least five minutes. There had been no noticeable slope to the floor so it was unlikely we had gone further down. I radioed in, “Command, this is Albatross One. Do you copy?” I waited but only heard static coming back. I tried again and waited. Looking backwards I could still see the entrance in the distance so it was not as though we were completely enclosed.

  Private Zimmerman stepped forward and asked, “Order, Colonel?” I thought for a moment and replied, “Keep moving. We’re here for recon. Let’s find something worth reporting back. First sign of hostiles, retreat.” I was met with a chorus of Yes, Sirs and we resumed the course. After another five minutes Specialist Dods pointed ahead and whispered, “Colonel, I see a deviation in the wall up ahead. Looks like there may be a branching path or an indention in the wall.” I nodded and brought my MP-5 up, ready for contact. “Weapons ready, eyes on our six. Move up”

  We snuck forward, choosing a stealthy approach. There were no sounds or shadows to speak of. We moved forward until I could see what Dods had pointed out. We crept closer and closer before a large pane of glass revealed itself, cutting across the space. Behind the glass was what was clearly some kind of store. There were various kinds of melee weapons and antique armor on display with oddly colored liquid in glass bottles lined up neatly in rows.

  That seemed unusual but easy enough to accept. What threw me for a loop was the astronaut asleep at the counter. I had expected something from old fairy tales, like an elf or dwarf. Even a talking axolotl would have been fine. But seeing someone dressed like an astronaut from the 80’s had not been on my bingo card. I signaled and two squad members kept eyes on the corners of the hallway and I moved up. There was some kind of weird writing on the glass. The top part, in large characters, the bottom in writing about half the size. It glowed faintly in a way I couldn’t explain.\

  Mindful of the lives of my squad I tried diplomacy first. Clearing my throat I spoke up, expecting to wake up whoever was behind the glass. They did not stir and react. I spoke louder with the same response. I tried a couple more times before going over and banging on the window. That woke up the man right away. He groggily stood up and took notice of us. Despite having four guns pointed at him he didn’t seem fazed. A predatory look entered his eyes and he smiled wide. I saw his mouth moving but I didn’t hear anything. He looked on expectantly as we stared. I looked at Zimmerman and he shrugged. I mimed opening his faceplate and we tried again.

  Whatever he was saying was just gibberish to the others and I. I tried to speak English to the man, but it accomplished nothing. I made sure my camera mic was unobstructed as the boys back at base would likely want this audio. Now, what do we do about this…

  Zef

  Ok, ok. No need to panic. Just because you can’t talk with your customers doesn’t mean you can’t make a sale. You’ve got this Zef, you can do this.

  The people were fidgeting with their gear talking to each other. I took the opportunity to pull up the interface. Come on User Manual, reveal to me the secret to success! I scrolled through the various sections trying to find something related to communication. There was nothing listed that could help. I switched tactics and started using some of the formulae commands I had figured out during my time alone. Through some dumb luck I finally hit gold. I ranted about making things more accessible and a new menu pulled up on my window: Accessibility. There within the new options was my savior. I selected it and the glass pane seemed to shimmer then settle back into place. Up in the corner words glittered in gold: Universal translator.

  Alright Zef, let’s do this right. “Excuse me, can you understand me now?” The people all focused on me as I spoke up. Perfect. “Allow me to start over. My name is Zef Conifer and this is Conifer’s Curiosities. We have all your dungeon needs, thank you please. How can I help you today?”

  The people pulled up their weird stick weapons and pointed them at me. Somehow having better communication abilities had made the situation worse. I held up both hands and patted the air in a calming manner. “There is no need to be alarmed. I am not one of this Dungeon’s monsters. This Dungeon Shop is a new feature for dungeons and you fine folks are the first to enter and experience this new dungeon style. Congratulations!” I wiggled my fingers and brought my arms up in a rainbow shape.

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  I wasn’t really sure what to do in this situation but I could tell they were on edge. Based on the way they were holding their weapons I assumed they worked similar to wands or something. Point, incant, blast the bastard. I had complete faith in my window considering it hadn’t even chipped when we breached a month ago, but no need to have them hurting themselves trying to get at me. It seemed my efforts were in vain.

  The leader leveled his weapon at my head and spoke gruffly, “Put your hands up and don’t make sudden movements. Explain what you mean by all of the dungeon stuff. You have ten seconds to comply. Dods, check for a door in.”

  Really wishing I had the Confrontation De-escalator right now. No, come on Zef. You’ll never make a sale like that. Think, how do we turn this around? Oh, of course.

  I dropped my arms and held up a finger. “Hey, give me a second. I know exactly what you need. Let me grab it from the back. Oh, and I don’t recommend trying to get through the window. Pretty sure it can take a Tier 9 attack without getting scratched.” I turned and started walking. I heard three loud pops and some pings as I went into the back room. I left the door open so they could still see me. I didn’t need them causing more of a fuss.

  Grabbing my recently replaced writing materials I sat down to start writing down everything I knew about this dungeon and dungeons in general. Based on their gear and questions it seemed like we must be on the other side of the world or something. They must not have any dungeons over here. Before I could start the leader of the group started yelling at me.

  “Hey, We’re not done here, come back here and answer my questions. This glass is strong, but we can get through it if we need to! Get back here!”

  I looked him in the eye and smiled, giving him my best. “One moment sir. I am fulfilling your request. Please forgive the wait.” With that I slid the visor back down and cut out the noise he was making. Ok, so…dungeons.

  Some of the information, like people dying in dungeons getting turned into dungeon monsters, felt like it was meant to be a secret, but…I hadn’t spoken to anyone since the so-called orientation. I may have made a decision right then just to be petty. I ended up filling three pages. I had to stretch the last one to look fuller, but it was essential to my plan that I have three pages. I let the ink dry and then rolled each paper into a scroll, tying them with some string I had laying around.

  I walked back over to my service window and sat down. I made sure to spin around in my chair one full rotation before straightening out. Looking at the group, I waited until they settled down before pulling my visor up. Spreading the scrolls out in front of me I took a breath, “It sounds like you are looking for some valuable information, Valued Customer. I can certainly help you with this. Would you like to browse our selection?”

  The man pushed his reply through gritted teeth, “Yes.” I squinted slightly and pointed a hand towards the slogan. “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t catch that.” I could see a muscle twitch near his eye, but he did respond with a please.

  “Thank you! So, it sounds like your side of the world doesn’t have many dungeons. Well don’t you worry. I can help with explaining a few things. I have here a very rare set of Dungeon Knowledge scrolls. Volumes one through three as it were. Now these are our last ones in stock, so you’re lucky you got here when you did.” The smell of bullshit was so thick you could cut it with a sword. What can I say? I was enjoying myself.

  “Now you may find the prices a little high, but I do have a special going on. If you are going to buy the scrolls individually then I am required to sell them in numerical order. Each scroll is twenty-five gold. If you buy them one at a time, you’ll end up spending seventy-five gold. However I can offer you a one time special price of sixty gold if you buy all three at once. If I were you, I’d take the special. I can’t guarantee they will still be in stock when you come back.”

  The leader looked at me with murder in his eyes. With that look you would think I had pissed in his porridge this morning. He turned around and gave his team some quick instructions. “I’m going to head back to the entrance and report in. Zimmerman, you deal with this. Put your inner geek to work while I get orders. You two, with me.” With that he stalked off with the other two and the aforementioned Zimmerman walked up. Ah, teaming up on me. We’ll see what this one could do.

  I struck first, confident in my victory. I’d throw him off guard with the Bland opening. “Greetings Valued Customer. Welcome to Conifer’s Curiosities. My name is Zef. How can I assist you today?” Perfect. This method let him know I would become golem level difficult if he tried anything. It turned out, he knew how to play the game.

  “Hi Zef. It’s nice to meet you. My given name is Zack. Thank you for helping me today. I was wondering if you had any information on this dungeon, as you called it.” He paused and looked behind me before turning back. “Actually, my apologies, could you tell me about your shop? I couldn’t help but notice how well organized your display was. After seeing that I’d like to know more about who I’m trying to do business with.”

  My man Zack. Zack is a good egg. I like Zack. Zack knows how to talk to a guy left in isolation for too long. I was only too happy to drop pretenses. I actually took the bowl helmet off for this.

  “Why thank you for noticing, Zack! A properly organized display is a key indicator that a merchant is reliable. My shop has only carried the highest quality goods available since its inception.” This was technically true, even if everything was low level goods. “When the Dungeon breached it destroyed everything in here. As such I had to replace everything so you know it is all fresh.”

  At that, Zack looked pained and leaned closer to the glass. I could see something was wrong with what I had said. He asked slowly, “Zef, when your dungeon ‘breached’ it caused a lot of damage to the area. Do you know where you showed up?” I thought back to the announcement.

  “The Dungeon Master sent out an announcement once everything settled down. I’m pretty sure he said something about being in a city and…we were expected? I’m sorry, that was a while back. I don’t recall what he said exactly. What do you mean it caused damage? Dungeon births take weeks normally.”

  Zack shook his head sadly. “No Zef, the dungeon burst through the heart of our city, destroying a massive area along with one of our heritage sites. A few people even died from the debris.”

  I let out a breath and nodded. “What you say must be the truth, because it was violent enough in here that I got crushed into paste and died for the third time.” A look of confusion briefly passed across Zack’s face as I continued, “Do you know where the Orean Kingdom is? If you send a letter to the King, he might be able to help with the damages. I’m pretty sure the people in the capital handle all of the dungeon stuff.” Thinking back to my experience, I realized that they may not control all of the dungeon stuff. “Or if you can get to the Dungeon Master, he might be able to do something.”

  Zach locked in on my words. “The Dungeon Master, you say? You mentioned him a second ago. Is there a way either you and I could contact him? Or could you show us to him?”

  Ah Zack, my crafty friend. I couldn’t just give this stuff out for free. Of course the answer was no, I can’t do anything to help them with that. But if today had taught me anything, it was that I wanted that CD as soon as possible. Time to get that gold.