I trace the delicate contours of laughter and admiration seeping through the frayed edges of memory. You transformed from a cherished companion into a stranger, a visage I struggle to recognize.

  You once spoke of healing as a non-linear journey, yet some wounds inexplicably return to their original shapes, their sharpness a painful reminder of how your gaze used to intertwine with mine, filled with promises of permanence. Now, those same eyes harbor thresholds I no longer possess the courage to approach.

  I carry my unspoken questions like smooth, worn coins, their surfaces reflecting countless exchanges with silence, casting them into the void in the hope of eliciting answers that never truly satisfy. Yet, the aftermath of our disintegration remains uncharted territory—how, even in moments of apparent composure, I am never wholly at peace.

  If I dare to voice my thoughts, do I risk shattering the fragile strands that tenuously bind me? Conversely, if I choose to remain silent, do I fade entirely into the chasm between the self I once was and the fa?ade I now wear?

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  Some gardens, despite our fervent attempts to nourish them with reminiscences of brighter days or the tears shed in recognition of what we have lost, refuse to bloom anew. And now, I find myself ensnared in a bewildering paradox, caught between happiness and sorrow in a strange wake for which no one has equipped me.

  This place is unfamiliar, its boundaries unknown, and its inhabitants—those I wish to see again—are mere shadows in the distance.

  I wonder, in this vast expanse devoid of maps and compasses, could you show me the way back to what was familiar? Or, does the road ahead offer a chance to redefine ourselves, forging new paths in the midst of chaos?

  Despite the ache in my chest, I carry on with the unwavering belief that someday, somewhere, I will be able to understand the nature of pain and how it has reshaped me. But for now, I carry with me both the joy and sadness that accompanied my experience, illuminating the path forward.

  As I embark on this new journey, I cling to the hope that, someday, I will find serenity within. And, perhaps, in doing so, I will discover the reason why I was and still am unable to take my own life.