What in the world is that noise? It almost sounds like a cat purring but it sounds like it’s coming from inside me. When I try to stand up something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s almost as though I’m standing on all fours. I look down and see paws? Are those mine?
Wait. WAIT! WHAT!? Those are my feet! What the F*** is going on!? I look around and nothing looks familiar to me, what was once streets and buildings are now tall trees and what looks like the dark bed of a forest floor. Okay this is weird, one minute I’m minding my own business walking to work the next thing I know I had what I could only describe as a monstrous migraine-seizure-thing and now I’m in a dark forest with paws for feet. Am I having a mental breakdown? Is this what a mental breakdown looks like?
Okay Lou, relax, calm down. You probably just passed out and are having a crazy dream. Deep breath in--- ARE THOSE WISKERS! Okay something is seriously wrong; I need to take a look at myself. I’m in a forest, so maybe there’s a pond or river nearby. I scan my surrounds and-- Ah ha! I hear water!
Following the sound of water leads me to a small crystal-clear stream weaving its way through a clearing of trees but as I look into the stream I’m greeted with the face of a brown and black striped tabby cat… HOLY SHIT I’M A CAT.
Oh no no no no no. This can’t be happening, I don’t even like cats. Is this some sort of divine punishment for all the times I was too lazy to sort my recycling!? What is going on with me?
The moment I ask the last question a digitized women’s voice rings out from inside my head.
NAME:
SPECIES: House Cat (Tabby)
CLASS:
STATUS:
LEVEL: 1 EXP: 0/50
SP: 100
HP: 10
MP: 0
ATK: 3
DEF: 1
MAG: 1
RES: 1
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SPEED: 10
SKILLS:
[Night Vision LV 1]
[Acrobatics LV 1]
[Claws LV 1]
[Charm LV 1]
UNIQUE SKILLS:
[Nine Lives]
TITLES:
An RPG stat-screen appears in my vision. Are these my stats? Did I just get full on Isakaied, like a Japanese light novel character? This is freaky… and a little awesome.
The fact that I’m a cat and have what could only be described as some of the worst stats I presume, is not so awesome. Although it looks like my speed stat is higher than the rest, might be the one advantage to being a fuzzy little house cat, and what’s up with these skills? A ping noise chimes in my head.
*ping*
Yes. I think to myself. Instantaneously the screen changes.
SKILLS:
[Night Vision LV1: Allows you to see your surroundings in low light.]
[Acrobatics LV 1: You are nimble and flexible; you can achieve minor feats of athleticism.]
[Claws LV 1: You have small claws. When used +2 ATK]
[Charm LV 1: You’re a cute and fluffy. People like that.]
UNIQUE SKILL:
[Nine Lives: A rare unique skill bestowed upon lucky felines when they are favored by the gods. When you would sustain a life-threatening injury, you will survive at the cost of 1 LIFE.
Holy crap, that last skill is insane!
*Skitter skitter*
In my moment of excitement, I’m interrupted by what sounds like a hundred little legs crawling along the dirt and grass, as I look up from my skill screen my eyes meet with small swarm of monochromatic spiders each the size of a sewer rat. I don’t like the look of this, if RPGs have taught me anything I would say that these chittering masses want to gobble me up, bones and all.
Before I even had time to think, two of the spiders lunged at me with their front forceps. I attempt to jump back from the on-coming attack, however, as I leap back, I’m met with a sharp pain in my back, two other spiders managed to sneak up behind me. One swiped at me, causing a sharp pain to crawl up my back, as the pain spread throughout my body.
*ping*
STATUS:
HP: 9/10
MP: 0
ATK: 2 (-1)
DEF: 2 (-1)
MAG: 1
RES: 1
SPEED: 10 (-5)
Well, this isn’t good--while the spiders’ attacks aren’t very strong, their attacks have a poison debuff, and a strong one at that, my physical stats are halved--so unfair.
Skreee!
The poison has my head swimming and I’m struck by another spider to my right. This isn’t good I’m not able to move quickly enough. I can’t dodge these relentless attacks, I’m vastly outnumbered. Am I going to die here? Right at the start of my new life?
I begin to panic, my vision starts to blur, my knees feel weak, and my muscles feel like they are on fire. I don’t know if it’s the poison or the fear that I might die here swarmed by arachnids, but I begin to cry. I didn’t even know cats could cry.
I can’t die, I don’t want to die, not when I finally get a chance to live in a world just like the games I use to play, I didn’t even get to see if I could use magic in this world. All I got were some piss-poor stats and a strong urge to lay in the sun all day. I don’t even get to die in a heroic way like, saving a damsel in destress or storming the castle of an evil lord; just me in a forest with a bunch of bugs ready to eat me like I’m Sunday dinner. How lame... Seriously what god did I piss off to deserve this?
“I beg your pardon!?” A booming voice pierced through my head like thunder. “I’ll have you know that I am quite the generous god. Now stop your whining and win this fight, gamer-girl I’m counting on you.” What kind of condescending, sexist tone was that? Before I give that ominous voice any more thought, I feel several more forceps pierce into my gut.
Yep, I’m dead…